Welcome Back to Your Life

I see your face

as you walk my way

and I can't help

but smile

because your face

isn't like any other

and today

isn't like any other

because I am here

with you. 

It's been a while

but you've made it through,

walked on fire

and reached the other side

of a life

you didn't think 

had another side

because you couldn't see

anything you wanted

beyond what you wanted

right now. 

But I knew better - 

I've been there too - 

and here we are

on the same side

staring eye to eye

at everything new

and our wasted youth

we've left behind. 

I knew you were better

and now you do too. 

Do you see it - 

the silver lining

and crystalline horizon

waiting for you?

We embrace the moment

and each other

for just one breath

and then you're gone - 

off to wander

the world

with new eyes

and a smile

I haven't seen 

since you were a child

of eight or nine, 

before the hurricane

of your life

washed you out to sea. 

How good it feels

to know

you are no longer

aimlessly wandering,

but moving about the world

engaged

and ready to learn. 

34 Is Only Two Months Away

Two months from today I will turn thirty-four. As my birthday approaches, I find myself wondering if I'm where I want to be in my life? I have an amazing career at Barlean's Organic Oils; I'm building my writing career one sentence at a time; and I'm embarking on a life-altering journey to get healthy the right way. But, I can't help but wonder if something is missing?

I live with my best friend, the kitty tribe and two canine heathens in the crisp, cool Pacific Northwest, which is quite different from my native South Carolina. I do want very much to return to the East Coast, but not just yet. I want to support myself comfortably and solely as a writer, and I have a lot more opportunities to work towards that where I am now. 

I have some incredible friends, but I seem to be perpetually single. I'm not complaining, just making an observation. I don't make an effort to change my relationship status, and I can't say that it's a priority for me. I love to flirt and I love the longing, but relationships are hard work and I'm a total amateur. Maybe 34 is the year my love life gets a little hotter or maybe not. Either way, I hope 34 is the year I take my writing to a whole new level.

So, the countdown to 34 begins... 61 days to go.

Happy Birthday, Mama

I often think of my mother when I am alone with my thoughts. I think of her smile, her laugh and the immeasurable love she had for my brother and me. She is one of the biggest influences in my life along with my father, my brother and my aunts, and some days I am lost without her guidance. 

Four years ago, one of the brightest lights in my family went out. And like the moon, we have all shined a little less without our sun star and mother to light our way. I have no doubt she is watching us as we try to move forward and have the lives she dreamed for us. I just wish she was here with us to watch us go on. 

Today is my mother's 67th birthday and there isn't a moment of breath I will have today that she will not be on my mind. Happy birthday, Mama.

Life Plans

My mother completed her second round of treatment for Esophageal Cancer in January 2009. In celebration, she wanted to go dress shopping for my cousin's upcoming February wedding. I indulged her because even though she had six perfectly beautiful formal dresses to wear in her closet, I understood her love of fancy clothes. I would wear formal wear every day if I could. 

So, one day when we were having lunch with my best friend, we decided to stop in a little bridal boutique in North Charleston called Bridals by Jodi. I had driven by the shop probably a hundred times, but I had never gone in. They had racks of wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses, so we set about the store to see if we could find something. My mom got tired very quickly and took a seat in the parlor area of the store. Then, my best friend found a dress that she thought I could try on. I was a bit fussy about the whole thing because I already had a dress for my cousin's wedding and I really wasn't into trying on wedding dresses. Maybe it was superstition or something, but I didn't think it was appropriate for me to try on a wedding dress when I wasn't even dating anyone (much less engaged!). 

My best friend gently reminded that my mother might not get to join me on my special day and insisted I try on the dress. It was one of the few times in all the years I've known her that she dug in her heels, and she was right. I didn't know what was going to happen, and here we were in this great shop with a beautiful dress that might actually fit me. 

The dress was strapless and not really my style at all, but the big girl sizes were limited. My best friend helped me get into the dress and then she brought my mother in to see me. I don't think my mom knew what we were up to because when she saw me, she started crying. My mother loathed crying and making any kind of a scene, so it was a really big deal that she was so moved. It was a perfect moment and one I will never have the chance to repeat. 

My mother passed away less than two months later and when she did, my life was changed forever. Every plan I'd sort of half-made for my future included her. I didn't know if I'd ever find the right guy, but if I did and we got married, she would help me plan it all. Then, if we had children, she would share all of her baby prowess with me so I could actually raise decent kids instead of hooligans. There wasn't any path that she wasn't a part of, and all of a sudden those paths went up in smoke. 

Now, I live 3000 miles away and have an amazing job, but every single day I wish I could share this life with her. It isn't the life I dreamed of or crafted in my mind as a child, but it's a life I think she'd be proud of. I don't know if I'll ever find the guy that lights up my heart after it has been through so much hurt, but at least I had that moment with her. 

Sometimes, I watch bridal shows with my best friend like "Say Yes to the Dress", and I cannot picture how that day will be for me. Any dreams I'd started to create about marriage and children were hazy at best before she died, and now they have faded from view. Does that mean it won't happen? I don't know. I don't know a lot these days. It's amazing how much I have realized I don't know since she died, and how different life is without her. With the loss comes an immense appreciation for what was and what will never be again.

I sometimes see a picture in a magazine or on Pinterest, and I think it could be a shadow of what my wedding day will look like. But then I realize she is never going to be there smiling back at me as she tries so hard not to cry, and I think if I ever find that right man for me, we might have to elope. 

I do hope for more, to not live this life all on my own until its end, but I also don't know how to deal with any other possibility than being alone after losing someone I loved so much. I was 29 when she died, and really a bit of a late bloomer in the relationship arena. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever bloom at all... 

Top 5 Reasons I Read & Why You Should Too

Reading has been proven to enrich and improve the mind, but sometimes even that isn't enough to make you pick up a book. However, here are the top five reasons why I read and think maybe you should too!

1. Books expose us to new worlds, new cultures and even new universes. Through books we learn to be open to new things and new people that we may not normally be open to. 
2. Books teach us we are not alone in the world. There is a book out there for you, regardless of your economic level, your upbringing or your personal issues. When you find a book that touches you because you know personally what the main character is going through, you discover that although your experience is yours alone, you are not alone in it. What a powerful feeling it is to know someone has come before you and survived whatever it is you're struggling to get through.
3. Books bring us together. A book can introduce you to a new world and teach you are not alone, but it can also be the key to a new friend. It doesn't matter if you're shy or if you're social, with a book you can find common ground and grow. 
4. Books show us who we are and who we could be. Books can expose the worst in us or celebrate the best. They can show us a Dystopian future we'd never want to live in or a Utopian world we have only imagined in our dreams. 
5. Books liberate us from the chains of society. We all know who we should be or who our parents, teachers and society expect us to be. However, there are tons of books in the world that celebrate the nerds, the weirdos, the off-kilter types and the outcasts. Books educate us and enable us to know more, and the more we know the more we are free. 

There are so many reasons to read, but these are the ones I find motivate me the most. What are some of the reasons you choose to read? What are some of your favorite books and why?

Like a Tree, Ever Growing Towards the Sky

I made it through March and have thoroughly enjoyed April thus far. It's just halfway through the month and I've got good things going on, which makes my inner feral kitten purr like a lion. My kitty tribe are adjusting and loving - two things I had only hoped for. I work for an amazing company that is changing lives, and I have two writing projects in the works.

But how am I really doing? Well, I'm inspired. I'm writing poetry again, which means I am not hiding from my thoughts or feelings at the moment. The main character of my new novel is a trickster and she's named after my youngest kitten, Fisher. She's wild and untamed, but yet has the most loving heart I have ever known. I'm excited for you to meet her.

Time is not always on my side, but I try to work with it as best I can. Losing my mother to Cancer has taught me not to sweat the small stuff better than any wise many could have, and I work hard at making her proud ever breath I take.

Recent events at the Boston Marathon remind me that life is precious and that we are all in it together. Times like these make me ask "why?" and "how could anyone do something like this?", but then I am comforted by my faith in the good. We are better than this one moment. We will endure.

My focus is today and this moment, right now. My hope is for more, for all of us to move forward because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Value is everlasting, and right now I have so much to value that I can hardly breathe.

The Kitty Tribe and March Memories

Two weeks ago today, I adopted three cats who I now refer to as my kitty tribe. Fisher, the 4 month old baby, is a cuddle muffin when she wants to be and a total hell cat the rest of the time.

Marcus, the six month old, is playful and sweet but also does his own thing too. Vincent, the four year old, isn't really sure about his new home, me or the crazy kittens. I think he just needs more time.

Four years ago today was one of the best days of my life. It was a Sunday and I had the day off. I woke up next to my mom, who for the first time in a long time woke up actually feeling little to no pain. A few nights before, she'd run out of the meds that worked - OxyContin and Oxycodone for breakthrough pain - and was using a combination of morphine and Dilaudid per the doctor's recommendation until the local pharmacy got their stock in. The morphine/Dilaudid combination made her delirious, but it didn't actually stop the pain.

I was able to pick up the right meds on my way home from work that Saturday night, and for the first time in what seemed like forever my mom actually got some relief. I did, too. Normally, the beeps and humming of her bedside machines made it hard for me to sleep soundly next to her, but that night we both slept well. We slept so well in fact that we woke up late for church.

My mom felt good. She even had me call my best friend, Nicole, so us girls could "go out and harass people". Mom and I started watching a movie, "Two Weeks" and waited on Nicole to arrive. When she got there, we all piled in the bed and finished up the movie. It's stars Sally Field and is about a family who rushes to what they think is the death bed of their mother (Sally Field), but she hangs on for two weeks. She has Cancer and it was uncomfortable, humorous and very appropriate for what we were going through. We laughed and we cried, and then we got gussied up to go out and harass people. :)

We ate at one of my mom's favorite restaurants, The Continental Corner, and the Greek food was delicious. Mom actually had some soup, which was something she wasn't always able to do. Nicole and I took her home, and then I took her out for a drive in her Mazda Miata. She couldn't drive it anymore because of her medication and weakened condition, but that day I put the top down and drove her around town for almost a half hour. When we got back, her best friend and her sister were there waiting. Nicole and I retreated upstairs to play Nintendo games while the three women spent the afternoon together.

My mother and I talked a lot that night before bed. We talked about how proud she was of my brother and how she knew he would be okay no matter what. She was excited about the idea of being a grandmother and after having such a great day she wanted to call the doctors the next day (a Monday) to see what options, in any, were available. She was happy she'd gotten to spend time with Mrs. Lyn (her bestie) and her sister. She was worried about me and glad that some things were settled. We watched some television, said our I love you's and then went to bed.

The Ides of March was never a bad day for me and four years ago, it really was one of the best days of my life. Now, I have the memory of that day and my kitty tribe. My mother loved cats, too, and I'm sure she'd have a thing or two to say about the fact that I adopted three at once. She'd also love them as much as I do.

The world changed for me dramatically on March 16, 2009 when my mom died at age 62. But the day before was perfect. It was more than I'd hoped for and better than anything I could have expected when I woke up that morning. Now, like so many other days that have passed, it is just another memory. This year, I have the kitty tribe to help me get through the tough times and distract me when the March memories overwhelm me. Who knows what the future will hold, but at least I'll have the tribe with me along the way.